“How to Be a Church Family”

Scripture: Matthew 18: 15-20

Rev. Dr. Mary Alice Mulligan

We know from the very first followers Jesus called, believers have been diverse in every imaginable way, so differences of opinions have been rife in Christian groups, for 20 centuries, across the world. Individual congregations and large church councils have struggled to figure out which parts of scripture are binding, and which parts may be optional. No surprise, murderous disagreements run through Christian history. In 16th century Europe, one alienated group came to be called “Anabaptists” (meaning re-baptizers) because of their commitment to postponing baptism until a person reached an age where she or he knew what they were doing, even if they had been sprinkled as an infant. Majority Christians hunted down Anabaptists, arrested, tortured, and executed them by various excruciating methods, including drowning (which authorities called the third baptism). In 1568, an Anabaptist leader, Menno Simon, from whom the Mennonite Church gets its name, wrote instructions for following Jesus’ directions in Matthew 18. He concluded: “It is the nature and anointing of all true Christians, not to hate any for wrong done, but to seek with all their hearts how they may teach the wrongdoer and lead him on the straight path of love. Therefore, a true Christian is a stranger to hatred.”[1] Menno had a huge price on his head, yet never allowed the hatred of others to infiltrate his own faith. As you read Matthew 18:15-20, be open to the word of God within it. 

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

Don’t we treasure our warm memories of St. Andrew? Some of us loved the intimacy of worshipping last year in the dark after Hurricane Ian left us without electricity. The next Sunday worshipping in Fellowship Hall meant a lot to other folks who remembered worshipping there regularly years ago. Every congregation has treasured memories that touch us at our deepest places. But every congregation has other memories too, ones we don’t mention; bad memories that sit in secret corners chilling the room; memories that separate people from the joy Jesus planned for the entire congregation of believers. But right into our stubborn sinfulness, Jesus offers hope for regaining wholeness as a congregation.

Jesus spells out directions. Thank God. He gives you guidance to bring about healing. As you heard last week, Matthew is the only place in all the Gospels where the word “church” is used to address the local congregation; and about what? Jesus gives directions for dealing with conflict. “If another member of the church sins against you,” he says, you have the responsibility to clean it up. The one who has been offended must take the initiative to straighten out the situation. Before psychotherapists charged hundreds of dollars an hour to help people talk through their problems, Jesus laid out his solution firmly. You go to the person and have a conversation. Just the two of you. Alone. No reason to confront someone in the middle of a Council meeting. Take a breath. Figure out a time you can meet with the person in a private, comfortable setting, and tell them how you believe they have wronged you. Maybe the two of you can get it cleared up right then. Which would be great.

But of course, Jesus is also a realist. Sometimes people’s stubborn side takes over. They just can’t see eye to eye about what they did to each other. So, then, you appropriately bring in another person or two, Jesus says. Bring in someone whose opinion you both respect. Each congregation has them; elders who listen carefully, whose judgments are trusted. So, that discreet, little group can have a conversation trying to clarify what behavior needs to be corrected, what apologies need to be heard.

But then, if there is still no resolution, Jesus directs you to discuss it as a congregation, a very difficult step. But part of being the church is sharing mutual accountability, so when a person cannot hear how he or she has sinned against another, the church needs to assist in the conversation. However, bringing in the larger group is a final effort. Discussing the disagreement in private, as individual Christian siblings, is the preferred method of solving a conflict, only involving others if absolutely necessary. If someone sins against you, take the initiative and clear it up. The directions are clear.

But did you notice? The goal is unity in the body. Jesus’ plan maintains wholeness for the entire church. “If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” This is the best news. If they hear your complaint and the two of you are able to mend your hurts, a rupture is avoided. The family of God remains unified. Jesus’ aim is not so that you get to hear the apology you deserve; the goal is not to prove that one of you is vindicated while the other admits they were wrong. Rather, Jesus is teaching the church how to keep itself together. For the church to accomplish its ministry, it can’t be distracted by personal rifts no matter how legitimate they are. Jesus establishes a system of church discipline to keep the members of the church bound together, so you have no right to allow divisions. The whole congregation is responsible for repairing any breach. After all, every human being will sin, so no one should be surprised when one member sins against another. For the good of the church, Jesus says, fix it. When individuals have some falling-out, the holy power among you is diminished. Think what happens after an amputation. Although no longer whole, the body can function, but something is missing. In order for the body of Christ to be at its spiritual and physical best, any divisions must be repaired. Jesus says, in effect, “Get over yourself.” And if you can’t, ask the congregation for help, because persons must be reconciled. St. Andrew may not have any rifts right now, so now is a perfect time to absorb these lessons, because offenses happen. Church participants are interdependent; you are incomplete without each of you, so the goal of his directions is to maintain the unity of your congregation, the church.

So, we need Christ to help. Jesus has to participate in the mending. Our human efforts can need divine assistance with something as silly as a careless criticism of someone, like “Why do you always bring frozen peas and carrots to the potlucks. How boring.” We imagine such moments can be brushed off easily, but sometimes we carry even little stuff. And sometimes the situation is so severe forgiveness seems impossible, like the person who pushed hard for her brother to get a building renovation job, then he barely started the work before disappearing with the hefty down payment. Who could forgive such deception? Almost no one, unless Jesus runs interference for us, opening our hearts to the importance of letting go of the suffocation of resentment. Otherwise, the congregation can just carry the crushing weight of self-righteous anger against the sister and the brother, forever.

When Jesus says: “Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them,” we often think of a noon Good Friday service, when only the preacher and two members show up. In an embarrassed tone of voice, we say, “Well, where 2 or 3 are gathered, even so, Jesus is there.” But let’s look at the passage. Jesus is talking about our ability to abandon the desire to get even with someone who sinned against us. If we are able to work things out with the very scoundrel who has done us dirty, then Jesus must be in the middle of it. Just the 2 or 3 of us. Only when God moves among us can we overcome the desire to despise the one who hurt us. Only when members trust the presence of Jesus among us, can we overcome some sin between us. Obviously, our human inclinations are not strong enough to repair the breach. Christ has to be a participant in the healing.

But we must persevere. Jesus doesn’t promise to hold the church together on his own. He empowers us to turn our efforts into reconciliation. We must participate with him, relentlessly, individually, and as a whole congregation. Never quitting.

Some folks hear a loophole in the later step of the passage. If the whole church gets into the conversation and the person still refuses to listen to the complaints against her or him, Jesus says, “let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Sounds pretty harsh. All those persistent steps to regain wholeness in the group, but finally if conversation with the whole body breaks down, cut them loose?? What could be worse than being treated as a Gentile or a tax collector?

But think. How does Jesus treat them? The Canaanite woman, who argued with Jesus, begging him to heal her daughter, was a Gentile. Jesus conversed with her; and she changed his mind, but only because he was willing to talk with her. And tax collectors? Well, Matthew is one. In fact, the religious bigwigs criticize Jesus frequently for eating with tax collectors and sinners! If Jesus wanted us to completely forget about the person who refuses to listen, he would have said, “Treat that one as a dead person. Have no more to do with them.” But instead he says, treat them as a Gentile or a tax collector, which seems to mean we should treat them as someone needing to hear the good news of God’s love for them, as if for the first time. So even if the person gives up on the church, the church does not have the right to give up on the person. So, we make sure they know we want to sit next to them at worship, just as we would a tax collector or anyone else who was just learning the faith. We don’t kick them out; we invite them to start over. As a congregation, we never give up on anyone.

How about if we all attend fellowship time after worship? Socializing together as a church is important. It keeps the communication wheels greased. We probably don’t need Jesus’ directions for healing church troubles right now, but we eventually might, because we all sin, often against people in the church. So Jesus directs us to be reconciled. Discreetly reprove each other; be willing to forgive; call each other to be better than we are; be willing to be better than you are. And because unity in the church is necessary, Christ’s own presence will help us mend.

[1] Menno Simons, “VII. What is the True Sense of Christ’s Saying (Matthew 18:15), if Thy Brother Shall Trespass against Thee,” from Instruction on Excommunication (1558), in The Complete Writings of Menno Simons, c. 1496-1561, trans. Leonard Verduin (Herald Press, 1956), 980.